30 years ago, the American psychologist Gary Chepman created the theory of five languages of love, each of which corresponds to our innate inclinations. By this theory, having learned our “language”, we can better understand how exactly we prefer to show our love and receive it from a partner. But everything has a flip side ..
“The theory of Capen can help better understand the basics of personal relationships. Unfortunately, she did a lot of harm, giving many people an excuse for conflicts and selfish behavior. The problem of this theory is that it makes it possible to “hide” behind one of the five labels, ignoring all criticism and refusing to change unhealthy habits, ”says Life-bone-brown Jaymin Fraser.
Recently, Fraser has released a book called “The Struants of Influence: how to help a loved one change for the better and get the relationship that you deserve”, which caused many disputes in psychological circles.
The author claims that the only way to save relations from degradation is to help the partner change and change his behavior
Fraser offers an alternative view of five languages of love. From his point of view, each of the “languages” often serves as a convenient cover for our shortcomings.
The back of the five languages of love
First Language: Time Spended Together
What does it mean: it’s hard for me to be alone. I constantly need attention and feel safe only when someone is nearby. Please do not leave me alone!
What else can this mean: I constantly prove that I am a good person, helping others even to the detriment of my own interests. I am a rag and I do not know how to refuse others.
Second language: Help
What does this mean: I like it when they “save me” and solve all problems for me. I still have not learned (-ed) to live on my own like an adult.
What else can this mean: I am afraid that I do not know how to fully communicate, so I try to replace the deep and meaningful communication of stubborn work and affairs for the good of the family. I do not know how to relax, my whole life is in my work, I do not know who I am out of work.
Third Language: Gifts
What does it mean: I love good things and I want everything more. Please continue to buy all the new items to me so that I do not lose (a) popularity and does not lag behind (a) from fashion.
What else can this mean: yes, lately I behaved like a real bastard, allow me to compensate me to and buy your love with an expensive gift.
Fourth language: words
What does this mean: I constantly need the support and approval of others – without this I feel like a loser/loser. Please remind you again, what kind of/how cool I am (say).
What else can this mean: I have a gift to inspire others. I am always positive and kindly configured and I will never say a bad word about anyone. In fact, all this is only a mask, and I am fake through and through. I just know how to say what you want to hear well.
Fifth language: touch
What does it mean: I am a little sexually concerned about. “But dear, we were already doing this morning? – Yes, but don’t you know that touch is my language of love?”
What else can this mean: I can’t live without a hug. At the same time, I believe that everyone else is arranged in the same way, and I will constantly break your personal space, completely not noticing your boundaries. But this is normal, because my language of love is touch.
A reason to think
If you are a father who spends little time with a family and is justified by the fact that your love language is help and ministry, know that your excuses do not reduce the pain that you cause your native absence. Your children are in dire need that you really learn to love them-and this includes conversations, and the time spent together, and hugs, and gifts, and help, and not just one thing that you are more inclined toNature.
If you are a wife who constantly requires attention and approval and justifying it with her language of love, keep in mind that your excuses may not help when your husband begins to lose interest in you. Of course, it is important that your beloved man from time to time https://www.thatsknorke.com/comment-retrouver-l-ancienne-relation/ tells you compliments and repeat how wonderful you are. But if you develop real dependence on these affectionate words, you thereby put yourself in the position of a small child, and not at all an adult desired woman.
If the theory of five languages of love has benefited you, wonderful! But its usefulness is limited.